beauty in the breakdown

hard knock journal

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[ some days i feel geometric so my poems go off on tangents ]
I was reading some of my old LJ posts and this one popped out:

Dated May 4, 2007:

I am feeling that I can be a better person. A more compassionate, loving, respectful, peaceful person. I need to remind myself of the respect that I want and that I must give for me to receive that. I need to remind myself of how secure I am in my feelings and my identity. I am everything and nothing at all. I am the one that holds part of the world on my back because not everyone would want to help carry it. I am the one that is reaffirmed by not just the love of people but the oppression that causes so much suffering. I am human. I am emotions. I am finally starting to feel again.
I am eternally grateful for being blessed with such understanding souls. I really vow to myself that I will become a better person.

I promise to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and expect only the best. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature I meet with a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to criticize others.

So I began writing this post late last night... and I am in a different mindset now.

I just found a quote by Anais Nin that goes:

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."

One of her other ones was "We do not see things are they are but as we are."

It's fucking potent shit. I want to read her works now. I need to go to the library or something and get her books.

But going back to the earlier quote by her and part of my past entry, we don't grow progressively. That's what it's basically saying, right? We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. I am a constellation. Read and formatted in non-linear ways even though I look at life, past, present, and future in that way. It's as if I have tunnel vision that never seemed to end.

I am growing. Constantly. Consistently. I need to be. Or else I would just slowly flake off and dissolve from this world into nothingness. I need to move on. I need to be moving. At all times. I can't even think by sitting down I have to be in motion somehow for my intellectual juices to take full effect. Is it me? Is it my insatiable need to be a nomad? Is that what I really am? My mechanism to always run away from problems, from insecurities, from everything that seemingly threatens me. Bores me. To be always in motion. To be always looking forward because to look backwards is too painful. I take each part, each segment of my life and pick at it with my very own home-grown psychoanalysis. I reason to myself these are the reasons and the experiences that created these neuroses and these memories are what created these insecurities. I try to become methodological while dissecting my past. Dissecting experiences that were too painful to even touch before. I am the product of me. I am the product of my world. I am the product of my own reality. If I choose to create my reality and reality is the product of me, then who am I really product of? Myself if logic serves correct... or God... or a higher power. Questions and ramblings of a inconsolable and neurotic insomniac.

But I digress... yet again. I've been thinking that I might seriously have a ADD problem. That when I listen to my people talk at length I tend to daydream... or is it only when I listen to my boss talk? I then have to kick myself and refocus myself to the conversation at hand. Not sure if it's just a side effect of working too much.... and dealing with random bouts of boredom.... and wishful thinking of something greener on the other side.

So change. Persistent and unconquerable change. The Perpetual. The Constant. The only thing worth living for. Yes. Not love, not peace, not hate, not anger, not war, not money, not even paradise on Earth. But change. The evolution of our minds molded by our experiences. The mutation of our emotions based on repeated chemical imbalances stemming from broken hearts to broken spirits.

I am a nomad. I am the runner. I am in motion. I try to create for myself but in the end it is not in my constellation for me to settle. No matter how much I want it I know I will never be satisfied. I am in constant, consistent, perpetual, perplexing, rambling, rumbling, wondering, wandering state. I shouldn't be afraid of it anymore. I shouldn't be afraid of myself. With myself. In the end, that's who's really left. Me. I am the one looking in the mirror. I am the one dealing with the fickleness of my heart. I am the one stomping forward. I am the one that sleeps with me. I alone hold the power to change my reality. And in turn weave my own fabric of space and set my own dimensions.

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Not sure if this is the right person but...

I think we went to middle school and high school together? I'm Jaye :)

Re: Not sure if this is the right person but...

What's up Jaye?

You went to Morrill? Didn't I go to high school with you too? At Independence?

Need more identifiers. Haha :)

Re: Not sure if this is the right person but...

Haha NICE! Glad to know Ms. Yvonne remembers me <3

I added you btw

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