beauty in the breakdown

hard knock journal

[ you don't own me ]
Hrmm... I had a crazy week.

Up and downs and then all around. Challenges to myself.... being honest to my actions and my own feelings. I really want to thank the beautiful souls in my life that keep my grounded.

Thank you Vanessa for being the beautiful, cute, endearing, talented, and inspiringly strong spirit that you are. Our conversations always end in making me feel connected to what really matters. You really help me feel again.

Thank you Alejandra, my beautiful crazy housemate that has sharp words but even sharper insight. You are amazing and super strong. Thank you for staying you... even though I know it's hard sometimes... ha.

Thank you Justin.... you are so fucking inspiring for someone so young. I am sad to have met you during the last vestige of my college career, but I am lucky to have met and bonded with you at all. It is my real privilege to call you my dear friend.

I just wanted to openly thank these people and the many more in my life that have helped me process and challenge my own shit and let me love myself and the world again. I am so grateful and appreciative that words cannot truly express how I am feeling.

I sometimes feel I don't really deserve all of this honest and brutal love that I have received. Thank you for the forgiveness that I don't deserve.

I am feeling that I can be a better person. A more compassionate, loving, respectful, peaceful person. I need to remind myself of the respect that I want and that I must give for me to receive that. I need to remind myself of how secure I am in my feelings and my identity. I am everything and nothing at all. I am the one that holds part of the world on my back because not everyone would want to help carry it. I am the one that is reaffirmed by not just the love of people but the oppression that causes so much suffering. I am human. I am emotions. I am finally starting to feel again.
I am eternally grateful for being blessed with such understanding souls. I really vow to myself that I will become a better person.

I promise to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and expect only the best. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature I meet with a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to criticize others.

[ v tech ]
After reading this article, I just starting bawling.

I was imagining the same thing happening while I was in class today, imagining that a student with a gun will come in and start shooting everybody in the class... I was imagining what I would do... how I would save myself and stop him... where I would duck and hide and if I would jump out the window.

Reading the stories about these students my age, my friends age, and the acts of heroism performed by the professors who tried to save their students from harm.... and how they died for it. I don't know, seeing these pictures and knowing how close it could be on my campus... just made me emotional.

My heart and empathy goes out to everyone at Vtech.

But I also know the impending backlash and political horse that the media and politicians are going to ride against Asian/Americans and immigrants.

Here's a great article that details our upcoming exposure and battle:

What May Come: Asian Americans and the Virginia Tech Shootings

Tamara K. Nopper
April 17, 2007

Like many, I was glued to the television news yesterday, keeping
updated about the horrific shootings at Virginia Tech University. I
was trying to deal with my own disgust and sadness, especially since
my professional life as a graduate student and college instructor is
tied to universities. And then the other shoe dropped. I found out
from a friend that the news channel she was watching had reported the
shooter as Asian. It has now been reported, after much confusion,
that the shooter is Cho Seung-Hui, a South Korean immigrant and
Virginia Tech student.

As an Asian American woman, I am keenly aware that Asians are about to
become a popular media topic if not the victims of physical backlash.
Rarely have we gotten as much attention in the past ten years, except,
perhaps, during the 1992 Los Angeles Riots. Since then Asians are
seldom seen in the media except when one of us wins a golfing match,
Woody Allen has sex, or Angelina Jolie adopts a kid.

I am not looking forward to the onslaught of media attention. If
history truly does have clues about what will come, there may be
several different ways we as Asian Americans will be talked about.

One, we will watch white media pundits and perhaps even sociologists
explain what they understand as an "Asian" way of being. They will
talk about how Asian males presumably have fragile "egos" and
therefore are culturally prone to engage in kamikaze style violence.
These statements will be embedded with racist tropes about Japanese
military fighters during WWII or the Viet Cong—the crazy, calculating,
and hidden Asian man who will fight to the death over presumably

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Manu Chao is making a rare US concert stop! He's playing in Los Angeles on June 2!

Anybody interested in going?

Pink Pistols
I don't know how I exactly feel about this issue. But I believe violence breeds violence.

Arming oneself can make you feel safe... but guns are just so dangerous in any other situation. Most of the time, the gun won't be used, but the potential deaths that can occur from weapon misuse can be staggering if these gay vigilantes take these weapons to the streets, as they are doing now.

Doesn't an eye for an eye leave the world blind?

But then again, the people who commit these hate crimes are just as heinous as these guns...

Pink Pistols: Gay Gun Rights Group Is Ready to Fire
By Sarah Klein, Alternate 101
Posted on April 3, 2007, Printed on April 3, 2007

On a crisp Sunday morning, Nicki Stallard closes one mascara-coated eye and focuses intently on her target. Her long fingers are wrapped around the handle of a Colt .45; black go-go boots hug her muscular legs, which are firmly set in shooting stance. As she rapidly fires off rounds of ammunition, shells fall to the ground, rolling under her stacked platform heels.

Nicki Stallard isn't your average lady.

She was born a man.

Stallard, who has been living as a woman for the past year and a half, is the coordinator of the San Jose chapter of the Pink Pistols -- a national organization that encourages gay, lesbian and transgender people to arm themselves to prevent hate crimes. Part social gun club, part political platform, the group's slogans are, "Armed gays don't get bashed" and "Pick on someone your own caliber."

Founded in 2000 in Boston by libertarian activist Douglas Krick, the Pink Pistols have since grown to more than 40 chapters across the country. Not surprisingly, the group has garnered its fair share of controversy, both locally and nationally.

The Pistols unite two traditionally opposite ends of the political spectrum over one incredibly hotbed issue -- particularly in the state of California, where the Bay Area has been in an uproar over proposed gun control. The San Francisco chapter recently earned national attention during its campaign against the city's controversial proposed gun ban.

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if you remember this... you grew up in the 90's!
Makes me so nostalgic... getting teary eyed from the good days...

Just wanted to remind people of the good ole days.

You're a 90's kid if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

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Being old referred to anyone over 20.

A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.

Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.

When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.

When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

Another Baby Sitter Club and Little Sister (Karen) book came out and you put your name on hold for it at the library.

When Aladdin was new, before the trilogy was complete.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

I feel FAT.



I eat more rice here than I have ever in my life. DAAAMN. Why does it have to taste SO GOOD and be the RIGHT TEXTURE. Oh Hong Kong!! Stop with the temptations of tender noodles and fragrant jasmine rice!!!!

Oh... let's not talk about the fatty roasted duck and roasted pork.


Also, the girls on my floor need to hurry up and take a shower. It's fucking 12:15AM. Who takes a shower at this hour?!!!

I do. That's why they need to hurry up.

I'm going crazy. I left/dropped/something happened to my cell phone today. I think it's at the library. Or some fucker took it and now turned it off or changed the SIM card. So now I'm phoneless AGAIN. FUCK FUCK FUCK. SECOND time this semester.

I hate myself. I hope the library people have it and I can go pick it up tomorrow. Or else. No more phone. No more money. FUCK.

Also, I watched Undercover Brother tonight, ridiculous movie!!! SOLID!! ::fist in the air::

I also love Blue Scholars.

I really want to take a shower.

This has also been my ranting and meaningless jabber because I'm still in shock over my phone and how much rice I ate.


P.S. I also have lots of postcards to finish. Damn me.

[ perpetual work ]
So... another paper due today. I thought it was due in class at 10:40am.

It is currently 8:22am, I thought I was royally fucked for a 1500 word essay. But turns out that's my OTHER class on Thursdays, this class meets at 2pm!

Awesomeness x10.

Fate just loves me. Or maybe I need to have better memory and discipline to do these the night before.

Wacky dreams last night. Was trying to enter this department store but was shut out, was on this conveyer belt but couldn't position myself correctly to get back into the store. How weird is that? Symbolizing my inability to complete this assignment maybe.


(no subject)
I need to go running so I can lose this flab.



Teriyaki Boyz have good beats... and the lyrics are funny. So is their name. They're produced by the Neptunes, maybe that's why.

P.S. I'm not doing my assignment and I just bought a case for my Mac Book Pro, so I can take it OUTSIDE my room now without fear.


[ delayed ]
Yo. So this song came on my friend's comp. He has a MASSIVE amount of Chinese pop songs... and other Asian pop/rap songs. It's incredible. It's like WTF, where did you get all this music?! PIRATE!

So. It is officially October 2 and it is currently 3:05AM. I just finished watching some fireworks in Wan Chai. It's China's National Day, their version of 4th of July. Yay. Their fireworks weren't as complex as the ones in the states or the one I saw in DC but cool nonetheless. There were like 15,000 people there, I swear. The most concentrated area of Asian people in a square mile I ever been in. Crazyness.

Unfortunately someone STOLE my camera because I stupidly left it in the computer lab, and no one would return a NEW Nikon digital camera.... ugh. It's been tough without one. So I can't show you any new pictures until I get my NEW macbook pro and can upload pictures from my friend's digicam. Yes folks. A new MACBOOK PRO. I'm really excited. It's about 12650HKD, which is about 1600USD, a big discount from 1799 and without tax! Yay for capitalism!! It's great sometimes. Ha. It's SO easy to "buy" into the consumerism here in Hong Kong. Like my friend Michelle said, our favorite past times here is shopping and eatting. It's really hurting the wallet right now... and my tummy. I definitely did not lose weight here with all the meat and starch that I eat. Bleh. It's okay though, I took up RUGBY and BASKETBALL... yes. I practice with the rugby team every Thursday, it's nothing hardcore yet since it's co-ed and touch rugby. But it's fun despite that... but I can't wait to get into "real" rugby. I think I just want to knock people around. Ha.

I also walk everywhere in HK or take public transit, so it is not that different from DC, though I do miss communicating to people in English, but hey, that's not what I'm here for right?

Like Jan, I miss a lot of things distinctly American or from Cali. The beach, driving, having guests staying past 11pm, my computer, regular internet access, free cell phone use, my family, friends, etc etc. BLUE SKY. Yes. You don't see the blue sky as often as we from Cali are use too. Pollution here is a huge problem as it is in most mega cities. I also miss organizing of course... feel rusty since I left to DC.

I've met so many international students I could form our own little United Nations. Most of them are from Europe and the states of course. But lots of mainland China students too.

I wish I can show you all the pictures of the girls and guys here. They are so super skinny it makes me look OBESE. No, seriously. If I was feeling fat before, I'm a giant here. I could take most if not all the girls and guys here at HKU. It's a crazy feeling.... good and bad I guess. Not that I would ever get into a fight with any of them, they're all so polite.

I have mixed feelings about people in HK, some of them are genuinely helpful and caring and others are just assholes. I guess that's anywhere... but I get a lot of the mix since I tend to ask questions a lot since I'm not a local.

It's also hard to find people passionate about issues that don't pertain to a) pop culture, b) food, c) school work, d) future career, e) how much money they want to make. I was talking to my local friend Hoi, who tells me that there is nothing really that "progressively active" in HK. It's very much a consumeristic and apathetic population.

Ack. Sounds like UCSB x100. Or Americans x100. Whichever, it still sucks.

BUT despite all of that ridiculousness, I'm still having a great time here. Meeting so many people and conversating with all of them really altered my world view. And getting really into a really different culture has taught me a lot about who I am and what I'm comfortable with.

And yay for JAY CHOU.

Can we talk about how HOTT AND TALENTED HE IS?!!

WOW. Lock up your daughters and gay sons. I can't believe I just discovered him. WTF.

His info on wiki:

and the first post from HK
Surprise surprise. I'm fucking alive and maybe not all well in Hong Kong. On the other side of the world homies. Most of my friends are too ironically.. or not. You are the product of your company and vice versa right? My friends just happen to be free enough and maybe even priviledged enough to do traveling. Yay.

So... It's almost 2AM and I'm sitting in the computer lab typing a LJ post. It's been slow and fast here, days go by but the hours just keep sticking on to me like the heat. Though the weather is looking better, tonight was a beautiful night with the moon and the breeze and the lack of humidity. It was great.

So... lately I been feeling... unmotivated to say the least and maybe even lazy. But a weird type of laziness, I am still excited about classes (did you know they offer a queer comparative lit. class here? WTF right?) but when it comes to errands, writing, communicating, all other personal stuff... I'm just like BLAH. Feeling it's like too much work while usually, I love to write to folks, keep them up to date, etc etc. Maybe I'm feeling traveler's fatigue or some shit. But technically I only been to HK thus far, but being in DC for the summer and the roar of spring election quarter, it just seems my life is accelerating too fast and concurrently too slow. It's a weird dichotomous feeling.

Or maybe I'm jt feeling emo.

Can I blame being on my moon?

Maybe so.

Booo. I'm trying to find that jolt or spark of energy within me to work on my personal shit, but instead all I find is lethargy. Ack. What the fuck right?

Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow, since it is 2:04AM currently. Maybe I'll wake up and feel GREAT and FANTASTIC and shit. Then I'll start writing all those postcards that I been meaning to send (note: send me your addresses! including you JAN in EGPYT!).

Also, some fucker stole my digital camera... the new one I just bought because I left mine back in good ol' CA. Stupid I know. Fuck man, it's only the 1st week too, I don't know if I should buy another one... suggestions? Maybe I'll buy a disposable one... but that's so unsustainable. Ack!!! I curse the robber at the MTR station!!


That really hampened my day. But this movie, a Korean flick called "My Wife is a Gangster" was damn hilarious.

The main character, Eun-Jin is pretty hottt. I have to say, there are so many queer aspects of this film, it makes the sex scenes even more awkward. It's about this woman in South Korea who's second in power for a powerful gangster organization. She was a orphan who was seperated from her older sister when she was young and had a rough life. She fights with knifes and is dubbed the "Mantis". Her sister, turns out has cancer and her last wish was for Eun-jin to get married... and it continues there. It's great mix of humor, action, and touching moments. Plus the queer innuendos gets brownie points.

Here's a good review.

So that was a hodgepode of updates on my life. Yay.

I'll try to post more later.


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