beauty in the breakdown

hard knock journal

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[life's not a bitch its just sick of being personified - sage francis]
First post for the New Year. First post in over a month.

Even though I no longer (can) measure my growth and change by quarters, I now measure them by months and events. Or emotional revelations.

There too much to write. Again. This is what happens when I don't journal for so long. It becomes backlogged and I get completely overwhelmed and discouraged. Just like my life right now.

Let's start with the biggest things, I found out last night my mom got laid off last Thursday. Yes, that means a complete drop in income. A cut in her health insurance. The seemingly beginning of the end again. This is her 3rd lay off in less than a decade. It gets to me that both of my parents have worked themselves to death in a country that is suppose to make them prosperous but only end up 30 years later, more in debt and having less stable and secure jobs than ever, with no real retirement savings. I get angry. I got angry this morning thinking about that. How my mother, who worked for over two decades, in these various tech manufacturing companies, and where does it lead her? To having a kidney failure and relying on dialysis to clean her fluids for her and now completely without health insurance. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to be an adult. Responsible eldest Chinese daughter. I'm complaining. I'm whining. I don't care. I love my mother. I can't stand seeing us going through this again. I need money. We need money. I want to sell out. I don't know how. I want to have a career. I don't know the direction. My simple dream was just to make money and pay off my parent's debt, our house, our cars, everything. I wish I can be that daughter for them. I wish I can be that committed and dedicated to them to abandon my own ambitions for them. I wish I can be completely and utterly giving.

I wish I can just do it. Just quit this low-paying organizing job that stresses me out every week, every day, for a less stressful, higher paying, no moral, desk job. I wish I can be as invested in my family as I am of myself and my work. I wish. I wish. Iwish.iwish.iwish. I wish.

Fuck. I don't know. I dont know.idontknow.idk. I was looking at job postings on Idealist and LinkedIn. I was having delusions of working at some random foundation/private/nonprofit group that pays me at least enough to pay off all this debt. I understand it all. I understand my beliefs, my ideals, my vision, my imagination for a new world, a new horizon. But we're all still living in this one. And this world, this horizon comes with debt, medical problems, student loans, mortgages, loans, and other burdening socioeconomic weights. It's all sacrifices right? Sort of. Sacrificing our potential monetary success somewhere with blurry values for a place that matches our vision for people for a more just and dignified world. Too bad this world pays lower wages than if I worked as a unionized janitor at a university but expected to do the work of a 50-60K starting associate. Womp.

It's not about the money. I know. I know. College is such a cesspool for idealism and support for that. But, at sounding trite but not all the way jaded adult, this world of obligation, debt, responsibility, and ambition all mixed into this pot of milky thick overwhelming goo just makes me want to vomit and stay in homeostasis forever.

I need some advice. I need some guidance. I need to see a therapist or a financial advisor, the latter would probably be more practical. I feel lost again. Not that I ever felt found. But now I really feel like just vast ocean of uncertainty and my boat has holes and I'm slowing sinking into nothingness.

Lost. Lost lost lost lost.

Why do I feel like my life is in shambles again? But not crumbling, the pieces of my life are just jagged and forced into place. And it's starting to get uncomfortable and slightly painful. Where is the map to put all these pieces in place?

What's going on Universe? Send me something. Anything.

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Growth is always painful. I'd posted something like that in today's entry but LJ decided to be difficult and wipe the slate clean when i hit 'submit'. BAH.

My guidance to you is to realize your early twenties are not going to be a financial success. Unless you're the kid who started facebook and then you have a different set of problems on your hands. Most people find emotional despair in the same things you do, but the way of finding a way out is not finding the way out. It's based on faith and trust that in the end everything will be okay, and if it ain't the end.. it's certainly not okay yet. Life is struggle but it doesn't have to be a battle. Hate is a wasteful emotion but anger can inspire if you use it as a catalyst for the completion your desires. Find that in your life which makes you content and run with it. Nurture it like a plant and it will give back to you. Too many people live life as if it's a's not a competition either. We each get a toolbox when we're born, but some people never open their eyes to be born and reborn. Goals and ambition only go so far in this plane of existence and then you die. So make your goals immortal..make them have an impact on the future you won't ever see..and try not to get stuck in the grey days of now. And remember.. hip hop is always your first love and will be there where for you when nobody else can afford to be.

added you from Jan's list. feel free to get at me if you want more words, thoughts, and the like. :)

Hi Yvonne,

I know exactly how you feel about being in-debt, being the oldest, wanting a career and not knowing where to go, and terribly crappy wages. I hate the pressure.
Hope things turn out better.

Here's to us and a New Year.

Yeah. I know. We should hang out soon! Call me. Sent you a message.

I'm here for you call me

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