athena1027

my dearest sisters,

how are you?
i've been feeling you might be needing me
your contrived bravado
your nonchalant descriptions
of your self-destruction
your rawness covered with so much sawdust
you feel yourself made into wood
strong, wise, hard
hard enough to endure
hard enough to move pass pain
strong enough to brave the windstorms of life

but sister, i see you.

i see your rawness as it is
i see it bleeding you out
i see your heart break into so many pieces
each shard a sharp reminder
of blood spilled
heart broken
hope lossed
spirit bankrupted
soul numbed

eyes that glaze over
like doughnuts
sweet by touch but heart attack
if ingested
it tells me hazy images of slaps, stripper poles,
grabby hands, dirty money and frozen friends in alleyways
heart beating outside your parent's house
still waiting for them to lock it safely away

your strength
our strength
to survive past
torn skin
black eyes
ripped vaginas
slaps
cold stares
g-strings
zoloft
beating hearts waiting
to be whole

let me
wipe
blow
shake
that sawdust off
let me kiss your wounds
bandage it with a million cries of freedom
let me pick up the shards of your heart
and glue it with redemption
etch hope and strength behind your ears
and whisper Sister, you are not alone.

Have a mini series with my friend JRR about favorite senses on my tumblr.

Reposting here... add your own!

Following JRR… (which I concur with EVERY ONE of them minus the lemongrass body wash), I love the smell of….

—> freshly cooked jasmine rice

—> your lover’s hair

—> hot steamy french bread

—> the fragrant loveliness of Pho especially with lots of lime and basil

—> newly bought magazines

—> lillies, orchids, and roses

—> fresh crisp air after it just rained

—> mangos

—>  just washed bedsheets

—> pillow your lovely other just slept on

—> jackets that have a hint of your perfume (almost like smelling yourself)

—> mr. sketch markers, particularly cherry and orange

Smells can take you back… to memories that you didn’t even think existed…

I just finished cleaning my room….

It took 3 hours to…
organize my shoes
hang up my jackets, sweaters, and shirts
fold and put away my laundry
throw away old conference agendas
put away safely all the beautiful cards people have given me
find old poems from old lovers
set all my products and tolietries onto one area
find my missing eyeliner
find my keeper coupons
transfer all my leftover mail from my floor to my desk
to vacuum the dust and leftover tracks from the past couple of weeks
to hang up all my bags
to minorly redo my closet so I can close the door
to find letters, post-its, flyers, and pictures from another life
to make my bed

and to finally breathe again……

First post for the New Year. First post in over a month.

Even though I no longer (can) measure my growth and change by quarters, I now measure them by months and events. Or emotional revelations.

There too much to write. Again. This is what happens when I don't journal for so long. It becomes backlogged and I get completely overwhelmed and discouraged. Just like my life right now.

Let's start with the biggest things, I found out last night my mom got laid off last Thursday. Yes, that means a complete drop in income. A cut in her health insurance. The seemingly beginning of the end again. This is her 3rd lay off in less than a decade. It gets to me that both of my parents have worked themselves to death in a country that is suppose to make them prosperous but only end up 30 years later, more in debt and having less stable and secure jobs than ever, with no real retirement savings. I get angry. I got angry this morning thinking about that. How my mother, who worked for over two decades, in these various tech manufacturing companies, and where does it lead her? To having a kidney failure and relying on dialysis to clean her fluids for her and now completely without health insurance. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to be an adult. Responsible eldest Chinese daughter. I'm complaining. I'm whining. I don't care. I love my mother. I can't stand seeing us going through this again. I need money. We need money. I want to sell out. I don't know how. I want to have a career. I don't know the direction. My simple dream was just to make money and pay off my parent's debt, our house, our cars, everything. I wish I can be that daughter for them. I wish I can be that committed and dedicated to them to abandon my own ambitions for them. I wish I can be completely and utterly giving.

I wish I can just do it. Just quit this low-paying organizing job that stresses me out every week, every day, for a less stressful, higher paying, no moral, desk job. I wish I can be as invested in my family as I am of myself and my work. I wish. I wish. Iwish.iwish.iwish. I wish.

Fuck. I don't know. I dont know.idontknow.idk. I was looking at job postings on Idealist and LinkedIn. I was having delusions of working at some random foundation/private/nonprofit group that pays me at least enough to pay off all this debt. I understand it all. I understand my beliefs, my ideals, my vision, my imagination for a new world, a new horizon. But we're all still living in this one. And this world, this horizon comes with debt, medical problems, student loans, mortgages, loans, and other burdening socioeconomic weights. It's all sacrifices right? Sort of. Sacrificing our potential monetary success somewhere with blurry values for a place that matches our vision for people for a more just and dignified world. Too bad this world pays lower wages than if I worked as a unionized janitor at a university but expected to do the work of a 50-60K starting associate. Womp.

It's not about the money. I know. I know. College is such a cesspool for idealism and support for that. But, at sounding trite but not all the way jaded adult, this world of obligation, debt, responsibility, and ambition all mixed into this pot of milky thick overwhelming goo just makes me want to vomit and stay in homeostasis forever.

I need some advice. I need some guidance. I need to see a therapist or a financial advisor, the latter would probably be more practical. I feel lost again. Not that I ever felt found. But now I really feel like just vast ocean of uncertainty and my boat has holes and I'm slowing sinking into nothingness.

Lost. Lost lost lost lost.

Why do I feel like my life is in shambles again? But not crumbling, the pieces of my life are just jagged and forced into place. And it's starting to get uncomfortable and slightly painful. Where is the map to put all these pieces in place?

What's going on Universe? Send me something. Anything.

How appropriate that this came on.

So I've decided that I am going crazy. And that I am crazy.

(crazydelicious!) Ahaha. Ok I'll stop with the references.

More like crazyridiculous.

I am awake at 8:16AM after dropping my sister off to take her SAT IIs. Bummer. I remember all that standardized testing bullshit just to get into college. I'm glad we don't have to go through that now.... well outside the GREs, MCATs, and LSATs if you want to go on to higher higher education. Womp.

Feeling better. revived. sleepy. ready. full. warm. comfy. in. my. bed. in 40 degree weather. outside. why. SJ. so. damn. cold?

P.S. The wonders of common, badu, and marley. why can't more hip hop/music out there bring solace like these 3 can?

P.S.S. Can't wait for HK REUNION PART II. OMG. It's going to be RIDICULOUS(ly) (FUN)!

NEW LAYOUT. YESS. So much more fresh and Safari friendly! YESS. Turns out Apple released Safari 3, a much more stable and featured browser than Firefox (which crashes like once a day).

If any of you haven't picked up Alicia Key's new album... DO ITTTT. It's a fucking great album. There has been so many bomb albums this year. Jill Scott's album is ridiculously good. Michael Buble's is a classic. Keyshia Cole's is PHENOMENAL. And Alicia Keys is just.... emotionally poetic. My favorite on this album is "Like You'll Never See Me Again" and her "As I Am Intro" is fucking dope. Once she drops the beat on her piano solo.... aural orgasm. This album will definitely be in my car and at work for awhile.

In other GREAT news.... after looking over my room today and realizing I have a free Sunday for once in a blue moon, I decided to FINALLY do something about my room. Right now, it doesn't look like anything but I made such headway! Much thanks to Rebecca for her words of expertise (constantly selling me the Container Store) and motivation I am about 45% with cleaning and unpacking my room. I know. I am duly aware that it's been over 3 months since I moved back. That I'm still unpacked. BOOOO. Maybe right now I'm finally feeling comfortable being back in San Jose. I was looking at Craig's List this morning looking at different apartment postings in downtown SJ because I just could not deal with my room anymore... when I realize fuckk, why am I being crazy? I just need to grow a backbone and clean this one out before I decide to leave my free food/no rent haven of my parent's house. And it's good being with family on a DAILY basis after being gone for so long. I'll give it till June... when I pay off my credit card debt! HA! I'm so excited for that moment. But I also understand I'm fucking lucky to have parents so loving and SPOIL ME. Omg. The spoilage is ridiculous. It needs to stop so I can remember how I can COOK again.

I was reading over some of my old entries in my journal (my physical one) that I been carrying since 2005 - and damn... it's just funny reading a hodgepodge of entries and pieces that I would randomly write during intense emotional moments in my life. It's like skip 6 months an entry, then another one would be a month later, and another would be a year later. My LJ is even more consistent than that.

BLAAH. Random post. I need to clean my room. And be done with it before Rebecca comes. I'm sick of having people see the SIXTEEN BOXES in my room because I haven't gotten the fucking motivation and will to unpack yet. I'm going to do it RIGHT NOW.

YAY.

I was reading some of my old LJ posts and this one popped out:

Dated May 4, 2007:

I am feeling that I can be a better person. A more compassionate, loving, respectful, peaceful person. I need to remind myself of the respect that I want and that I must give for me to receive that. I need to remind myself of how secure I am in my feelings and my identity. I am everything and nothing at all. I am the one that holds part of the world on my back because not everyone would want to help carry it. I am the one that is reaffirmed by not just the love of people but the oppression that causes so much suffering. I am human. I am emotions. I am finally starting to feel again.
I am eternally grateful for being blessed with such understanding souls. I really vow to myself that I will become a better person.

I promise to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and expect only the best. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature I meet with a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to criticize others.

So I began writing this post late last night... and I am in a different mindset now.

I just found a quote by Anais Nin that goes:

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."


One of her other ones was "We do not see things are they are but as we are."

It's fucking potent shit. I want to read her works now. I need to go to the library or something and get her books.

But going back to the earlier quote by her and part of my past entry, we don't grow progressively. That's what it's basically saying, right? We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. I am a constellation. Read and formatted in non-linear ways even though I look at life, past, present, and future in that way. It's as if I have tunnel vision that never seemed to end.

I am growing. Constantly. Consistently. I need to be. Or else I would just slowly flake off and dissolve from this world into nothingness. I need to move on. I need to be moving. At all times. I can't even think by sitting down I have to be in motion somehow for my intellectual juices to take full effect. Is it me? Is it my insatiable need to be a nomad? Is that what I really am? My mechanism to always run away from problems, from insecurities, from everything that seemingly threatens me. Bores me. To be always in motion. To be always looking forward because to look backwards is too painful. I take each part, each segment of my life and pick at it with my very own home-grown psychoanalysis. I reason to myself these are the reasons and the experiences that created these neuroses and these memories are what created these insecurities. I try to become methodological while dissecting my past. Dissecting experiences that were too painful to even touch before. I am the product of me. I am the product of my world. I am the product of my own reality. If I choose to create my reality and reality is the product of me, then who am I really product of? Myself if logic serves correct... or God... or a higher power. Questions and ramblings of a inconsolable and neurotic insomniac.

But I digress... yet again. I've been thinking that I might seriously have a ADD problem. That when I listen to my people talk at length I tend to daydream... or is it only when I listen to my boss talk? I then have to kick myself and refocus myself to the conversation at hand. Not sure if it's just a side effect of working too much.... and dealing with random bouts of boredom.... and wishful thinking of something greener on the other side.

So change. Persistent and unconquerable change. The Perpetual. The Constant. The only thing worth living for. Yes. Not love, not peace, not hate, not anger, not war, not money, not even paradise on Earth. But change. The evolution of our minds molded by our experiences. The mutation of our emotions based on repeated chemical imbalances stemming from broken hearts to broken spirits.

I am a nomad. I am the runner. I am in motion. I try to create for myself but in the end it is not in my constellation for me to settle. No matter how much I want it I know I will never be satisfied. I am in constant, consistent, perpetual, perplexing, rambling, rumbling, wondering, wandering state. I shouldn't be afraid of it anymore. I shouldn't be afraid of myself. With myself. In the end, that's who's really left. Me. I am the one looking in the mirror. I am the one dealing with the fickleness of my heart. I am the one stomping forward. I am the one that sleeps with me. I alone hold the power to change my reality. And in turn weave my own fabric of space and set my own dimensions.

Why is it always in the middle of the night when these crazy pensive emo LJ entries come about?

It's 3am.

Well 3:13am precisely.

I am sitting... quite comfortably in my bed with the glow of the television illuminating my room with its messy shadows and hidden remotes. My computer also casting a ghastly glow on my face as I (nerd-ily) read about presidential candidates.... and other people's journals. While I listen to the musical genius of Nujabes.

There is such much peace in trip-hop/acidjazz that brings me to new levels of calm.

So... as I jump from subject to subject, I noticed that the last entry was dated May 17, 2007. Daamn... it's been almost 4 months huh? Seems like me and my LJ have a strained relationship or some shit. But I've just been... lazy... apprehensive....? to write down my thoughts and feelings. It's been so much the last couple of months and more to come in the coming months... but they all seem to become overwhelming to write down, to chronicle, to institutionalize in this digital journal of mine. But I know and understand the importance of it.

Me and Justin were reading Postsecret books at Border's today after lunch... and one card that he pointed out really hit home with me... "I masturbate to feel pleasure and I have sex to feel wanted". Crazy huh? To a certain extent, sex is definitely about pleasure, but doesn't it just reign so true? Wanted. wanted. wanted. needed. needed. desired. loved. loved loved. that's what it's about right?

Going back to the quote from the movie Before Sunset, "Isn't everything we do is to be loved a little bit more?", it's true. I feel that all that we do, we act out of our insecurities (how subconscious they might be), desires, and the need/want to be loved. Selfish reasons for unselfish actions (most times).

But that isn't the reason I'm sitting here at now 3:22am writing ramblings of a ridiculous insomniac who should have went to sleep 3 hours ago.

I don't know why I'm still here... I want to write down everything that I've experienced and thought about... but it just seems impossible at this point. Cramming deepness into an entry is daunting to say the least and disempowering at the most.

I feel unfulfilled. Glass is half empty... but I don't remember drinking the first half.

Pent up. Unfulfilled. Anxious. Nervous. Anticipation. Loneliness. Guilt. Pain. Hunger. Transition. Future. Present. Past. All at once. Swirling. Into each other. Expression. Is needed.

Maybe I'll write a piece. I think I need to, it's been 2 years since I've written anything... damn. so much as happened since then.

Output. Freedom. Liberation. Flying. Soaring. Above. All else.

WTF is this?

I feel like I'm teething like a 2 year old. My wisdom teeth are coming in AGAIN and I, like a dumbass, have not gotten them out yet. They hurt like BONE is growing from my GUMS, ripping them apart as they come out and pushing my other teeth so they can take up more space.

It's so colonizing.

I need to get a dentist to end this wisdom teeth colonization. UGH!

siempre,
-future chipmunk cheeks

Hrmm... I had a crazy week.

Up and downs and then all around. Challenges to myself.... being honest to my actions and my own feelings. I really want to thank the beautiful souls in my life that keep my grounded.

Thank you Vanessa for being the beautiful, cute, endearing, talented, and inspiringly strong spirit that you are. Our conversations always end in making me feel connected to what really matters. You really help me feel again.

Thank you Alejandra, my beautiful crazy housemate that has sharp words but even sharper insight. You are amazing and super strong. Thank you for staying you... even though I know it's hard sometimes... ha.

Thank you Justin.... you are so fucking inspiring for someone so young. I am sad to have met you during the last vestige of my college career, but I am lucky to have met and bonded with you at all. It is my real privilege to call you my dear friend.

I just wanted to openly thank these people and the many more in my life that have helped me process and challenge my own shit and let me love myself and the world again. I am so grateful and appreciative that words cannot truly express how I am feeling.

I sometimes feel I don't really deserve all of this honest and brutal love that I have received. Thank you for the forgiveness that I don't deserve.

I am feeling that I can be a better person. A more compassionate, loving, respectful, peaceful person. I need to remind myself of the respect that I want and that I must give for me to receive that. I need to remind myself of how secure I am in my feelings and my identity. I am everything and nothing at all. I am the one that holds part of the world on my back because not everyone would want to help carry it. I am the one that is reaffirmed by not just the love of people but the oppression that causes so much suffering. I am human. I am emotions. I am finally starting to feel again.
I am eternally grateful for being blessed with such understanding souls. I really vow to myself that I will become a better person.

I promise to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and expect only the best. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature I meet with a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to criticize others.

After reading this article, I just starting bawling.

I was imagining the same thing happening while I was in class today, imagining that a student with a gun will come in and start shooting everybody in the class... I was imagining what I would do... how I would save myself and stop him... where I would duck and hide and if I would jump out the window.

Reading the stories about these students my age, my friends age, and the acts of heroism performed by the professors who tried to save their students from harm.... and how they died for it. I don't know, seeing these pictures and knowing how close it could be on my campus... just made me emotional.

My heart and empathy goes out to everyone at Vtech.

But I also know the impending backlash and political horse that the media and politicians are going to ride against Asian/Americans and immigrants.

Here's a great article that details our upcoming exposure and battle:

What May Come: Asian Americans and the Virginia Tech Shootings

Tamara K. Nopper
April 17, 2007

Like many, I was glued to the television news yesterday, keeping
updated about the horrific shootings at Virginia Tech University. I
was trying to deal with my own disgust and sadness, especially since
my professional life as a graduate student and college instructor is
tied to universities. And then the other shoe dropped. I found out
from a friend that the news channel she was watching had reported the
shooter as Asian. It has now been reported, after much confusion,
that the shooter is Cho Seung-Hui, a South Korean immigrant and
Virginia Tech student.

As an Asian American woman, I am keenly aware that Asians are about to
become a popular media topic if not the victims of physical backlash.
Rarely have we gotten as much attention in the past ten years, except,
perhaps, during the 1992 Los Angeles Riots. Since then Asians are
seldom seen in the media except when one of us wins a golfing match,
Woody Allen has sex, or Angelina Jolie adopts a kid.

I am not looking forward to the onslaught of media attention. If
history truly does have clues about what will come, there may be
several different ways we as Asian Americans will be talked about.

One, we will watch white media pundits and perhaps even sociologists
explain what they understand as an "Asian" way of being. They will
talk about how Asian males presumably have fragile "egos" and
therefore are culturally prone to engage in kamikaze style violence.
These statements will be embedded with racist tropes about Japanese
military fighters during WWII or the Viet Cong—the crazy, calculating,
and hidden Asian man who will fight to the death over presumably
nothing.

( more )

Manu Chao is making a rare US concert stop! He's playing in Los Angeles on June 2!

http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/09003E6EC494537A?

Anybody interested in going?

I don't know how I exactly feel about this issue. But I believe violence breeds violence.

Arming oneself can make you feel safe... but guns are just so dangerous in any other situation. Most of the time, the gun won't be used, but the potential deaths that can occur from weapon misuse can be staggering if these gay vigilantes take these weapons to the streets, as they are doing now.

Doesn't an eye for an eye leave the world blind?

But then again, the people who commit these hate crimes are just as heinous as these guns...


Pink Pistols: Gay Gun Rights Group Is Ready to Fire
By Sarah Klein, Alternate 101
Posted on April 3, 2007, Printed on April 3, 2007
http://www.alternet.org/story/50039/

On a crisp Sunday morning, Nicki Stallard closes one mascara-coated eye and focuses intently on her target. Her long fingers are wrapped around the handle of a Colt .45; black go-go boots hug her muscular legs, which are firmly set in shooting stance. As she rapidly fires off rounds of ammunition, shells fall to the ground, rolling under her stacked platform heels.

Nicki Stallard isn't your average lady.

She was born a man.

Stallard, who has been living as a woman for the past year and a half, is the coordinator of the San Jose chapter of the Pink Pistols -- a national organization that encourages gay, lesbian and transgender people to arm themselves to prevent hate crimes. Part social gun club, part political platform, the group's slogans are, "Armed gays don't get bashed" and "Pick on someone your own caliber."

Founded in 2000 in Boston by libertarian activist Douglas Krick, the Pink Pistols have since grown to more than 40 chapters across the country. Not surprisingly, the group has garnered its fair share of controversy, both locally and nationally.

The Pistols unite two traditionally opposite ends of the political spectrum over one incredibly hotbed issue -- particularly in the state of California, where the Bay Area has been in an uproar over proposed gun control. The San Francisco chapter recently earned national attention during its campaign against the city's controversial proposed gun ban.

( more under cut )

Makes me so nostalgic... getting teary eyed from the good days...

Just wanted to remind people of the good ole days.

You're a 90's kid if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

( cut! because this list goes on! )

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.

Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.

When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.

When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

Another Baby Sitter Club and Little Sister (Karen) book came out and you put your name on hold for it at the library.

When Aladdin was new, before the trilogy was complete.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

I feel FAT.

CARBAVORE

CARBSCARBSCARBS

I eat more rice here than I have ever in my life. DAAAMN. Why does it have to taste SO GOOD and be the RIGHT TEXTURE. Oh Hong Kong!! Stop with the temptations of tender noodles and fragrant jasmine rice!!!!

Oh... let's not talk about the fatty roasted duck and roasted pork.

OH MY GOLLY.

Also, the girls on my floor need to hurry up and take a shower. It's fucking 12:15AM. Who takes a shower at this hour?!!!

I do. That's why they need to hurry up.

I'm going crazy. I left/dropped/something happened to my cell phone today. I think it's at the library. Or some fucker took it and now turned it off or changed the SIM card. So now I'm phoneless AGAIN. FUCK FUCK FUCK. SECOND time this semester.

I hate myself. I hope the library people have it and I can go pick it up tomorrow. Or else. No more phone. No more money. FUCK.

Also, I watched Undercover Brother tonight, ridiculous movie!!! SOLID!! ::fist in the air::

I also love Blue Scholars.

I really want to take a shower.

This has also been my ranting and meaningless jabber because I'm still in shock over my phone and how much rice I ate.

REMEMBER TO VOTE TODAY!!!

P.S. I also have lots of postcards to finish. Damn me.

So... another paper due today. I thought it was due in class at 10:40am.

It is currently 8:22am, I thought I was royally fucked for a 1500 word essay. But turns out that's my OTHER class on Thursdays, this class meets at 2pm!

Awesomeness x10.

Fate just loves me. Or maybe I need to have better memory and discipline to do these the night before.

Wacky dreams last night. Was trying to enter this department store but was shut out, was on this conveyer belt but couldn't position myself correctly to get back into the store. How weird is that? Symbolizing my inability to complete this assignment maybe.

Whooo.

I need to go running so I can lose this flab.

FLABBY MC FLAB FLAB

fuck.

Teriyaki Boyz have good beats... and the lyrics are funny. So is their name. They're produced by the Neptunes, maybe that's why.

P.S. I'm not doing my assignment and I just bought a case for my Mac Book Pro, so I can take it OUTSIDE my room now without fear.

P.S.S. GOING TO INDIA IN 5 DAYS!!!

Yo. So this song came on my friend's comp. He has a MASSIVE amount of Chinese pop songs... and other Asian pop/rap songs. It's incredible. It's like WTF, where did you get all this music?! PIRATE!

So. It is officially October 2 and it is currently 3:05AM. I just finished watching some fireworks in Wan Chai. It's China's National Day, their version of 4th of July. Yay. Their fireworks weren't as complex as the ones in the states or the one I saw in DC but cool nonetheless. There were like 15,000 people there, I swear. The most concentrated area of Asian people in a square mile I ever been in. Crazyness.

Unfortunately someone STOLE my camera because I stupidly left it in the computer lab, and no one would return a NEW Nikon digital camera.... ugh. It's been tough without one. So I can't show you any new pictures until I get my NEW macbook pro and can upload pictures from my friend's digicam. Yes folks. A new MACBOOK PRO. I'm really excited. It's about 12650HKD, which is about 1600USD, a big discount from 1799 and without tax! Yay for capitalism!! It's great sometimes. Ha. It's SO easy to "buy" into the consumerism here in Hong Kong. Like my friend Michelle said, our favorite past times here is shopping and eatting. It's really hurting the wallet right now... and my tummy. I definitely did not lose weight here with all the meat and starch that I eat. Bleh. It's okay though, I took up RUGBY and BASKETBALL... yes. I practice with the rugby team every Thursday, it's nothing hardcore yet since it's co-ed and touch rugby. But it's fun despite that... but I can't wait to get into "real" rugby. I think I just want to knock people around. Ha.

I also walk everywhere in HK or take public transit, so it is not that different from DC, though I do miss communicating to people in English, but hey, that's not what I'm here for right?

Like Jan, I miss a lot of things distinctly American or from Cali. The beach, driving, having guests staying past 11pm, my computer, regular internet access, free cell phone use, my family, friends, etc etc. BLUE SKY. Yes. You don't see the blue sky as often as we from Cali are use too. Pollution here is a huge problem as it is in most mega cities. I also miss organizing of course... feel rusty since I left to DC.

I've met so many international students I could form our own little United Nations. Most of them are from Europe and the states of course. But lots of mainland China students too.

I wish I can show you all the pictures of the girls and guys here. They are so super skinny it makes me look OBESE. No, seriously. If I was feeling fat before, I'm a giant here. I could take most if not all the girls and guys here at HKU. It's a crazy feeling.... good and bad I guess. Not that I would ever get into a fight with any of them, they're all so polite.

I have mixed feelings about people in HK, some of them are genuinely helpful and caring and others are just assholes. I guess that's anywhere... but I get a lot of the mix since I tend to ask questions a lot since I'm not a local.

It's also hard to find people passionate about issues that don't pertain to a) pop culture, b) food, c) school work, d) future career, e) how much money they want to make. I was talking to my local friend Hoi, who tells me that there is nothing really that "progressively active" in HK. It's very much a consumeristic and apathetic population.

Ack. Sounds like UCSB x100. Or Americans x100. Whichever, it still sucks.

BUT despite all of that ridiculousness, I'm still having a great time here. Meeting so many people and conversating with all of them really altered my world view. And getting really into a really different culture has taught me a lot about who I am and what I'm comfortable with.

And yay for JAY CHOU.





Can we talk about how HOTT AND TALENTED HE IS?!!

WOW. Lock up your daughters and gay sons. I can't believe I just discovered him. WTF.

His info on wiki:

Surprise surprise. I'm fucking alive and maybe not all well in Hong Kong. On the other side of the world homies. Most of my friends are too ironically.. or not. You are the product of your company and vice versa right? My friends just happen to be free enough and maybe even priviledged enough to do traveling. Yay.

So... It's almost 2AM and I'm sitting in the computer lab typing a LJ post. It's been slow and fast here, days go by but the hours just keep sticking on to me like the heat. Though the weather is looking better, tonight was a beautiful night with the moon and the breeze and the lack of humidity. It was great.

So... lately I been feeling... unmotivated to say the least and maybe even lazy. But a weird type of laziness, I am still excited about classes (did you know they offer a queer comparative lit. class here? WTF right?) but when it comes to errands, writing, communicating, all other personal stuff... I'm just like BLAH. Feeling it's like too much work while usually, I love to write to folks, keep them up to date, etc etc. Maybe I'm feeling traveler's fatigue or some shit. But technically I only been to HK thus far, but being in DC for the summer and the roar of spring election quarter, it just seems my life is accelerating too fast and concurrently too slow. It's a weird dichotomous feeling.

Or maybe I'm jt feeling emo.

Can I blame being on my moon?

Maybe so.

Booo. I'm trying to find that jolt or spark of energy within me to work on my personal shit, but instead all I find is lethargy. Ack. What the fuck right?

Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow, since it is 2:04AM currently. Maybe I'll wake up and feel GREAT and FANTASTIC and shit. Then I'll start writing all those postcards that I been meaning to send (note: send me your addresses! including you JAN in EGPYT!).

Also, some fucker stole my digital camera... the new one I just bought because I left mine back in good ol' CA. Stupid I know. Fuck man, it's only the 1st week too, I don't know if I should buy another one... suggestions? Maybe I'll buy a disposable one... but that's so unsustainable. Ack!!! I curse the robber at the MTR station!!

Fuckers.

That really hampened my day. But this movie, a Korean flick called "My Wife is a Gangster" was damn hilarious.



The main character, Eun-Jin is pretty hottt. I have to say, there are so many queer aspects of this film, it makes the sex scenes even more awkward. It's about this woman in South Korea who's second in power for a powerful gangster organization. She was a orphan who was seperated from her older sister when she was young and had a rough life. She fights with knifes and is dubbed the "Mantis". Her sister, turns out has cancer and her last wish was for Eun-jin to get married... and it continues there. It's great mix of humor, action, and touching moments. Plus the queer innuendos gets brownie points.



Here's a good review.

So that was a hodgepode of updates on my life. Yay.

I'll try to post more later.

Leaving to Portland, Oregon in two hours.

Things have been accelerated... my whole life it seems like. Right after that I'm leaving to Hong Kong.

It's heartening to know that when I come back to SB next year that I would be a different person... shit I'm a different person now then I was during spring. I'm also nervous... normal nervousness I guess, but I don't recall feeling as nervous when I left to Mexico last summer.

And now me and my roommate are listening to Backstreet Boys. Dear God. I reverted back to 15.

Hopefully I don't miss my flight... like I did last time...